leaving

In four days i will be gone.
thank you, thank you.
seeing my aunt for christmas.
getting away from this shitty place
and all the shitty people here.
moving out date is almost set in stone.
better to hold it in so i don't jink anything.

''at least pretend you didn't want to get caught."

D14

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.
I'm thankful to those helping me through this.



xoxo

D7

my aunt has cancer.
her heart is getting weaker.
she can't eat, she's 95lbs.
a machine is keeping her alive at this point.
- get better, please, please get better.
i don't want you to feel this way anymore.
all i can do now is pray for her well being
and send my blessings.


i love you.
xoxo

358

I feel as if i'm stuck here.
i just can't seem to change this.
i know i shouldn't feel the way i do.
i just want to disappear.
i could care less what happens.
i have a feeling it would be better
than what's happening now.
i don't want to fall deeper.
i wish i could escape reality.
i can't take it anymore.
these empty bottles aren't helping matters much.
another bottle, another sleepless night.
my eyes wont even shut.
it's better this way.
i'll just eat brains and become like you.



xoxo

359

no.
not now.
don't do this.
i can not.
no.

360

i can not stop thinking.
i cant even complete one thought
why am i lying to myself.
i can't separate whats real and whats imaginary.
my stomach is so empty and so full.
pretty orange and white balls.
you make me go crazy, you are so good to me.
you hurt me so much, i love you but i don't.
i can't believe it's only five p.m
i don't know why but i hate all of my friends.
i'm glad you're back in my life.
i'm sooo glad i realized that.
man, i'm gross.
grotesque is my favorite word, ever.
dead corpse are hot, kind of.
this one is so good.
shut the fuck up.
i can't concentrate.
explanation points are false advertisement.



xoxo

361

I'm feeling a bit cannibalistic.
I want to destroy all of you.
Anger, Grief, Depression.
I don't need any of those emotions.
NOMNOMNOM
Gone. I ate them, along with you.
All of you.
As i said before i was given the option to take two paths.
I chose "The road less traveled" or so i thought.
This path is a dead end, it leads n o w h e r e.
I am turning around, it's not worth it to be stuck here forever.
Especially with these pathetic people that lay here.
I'm done, I'm moving on.
I've improved in some ways but i still have a way to go.
I'm changing for me, and only me.
Just wanted to clarify to You.
Give it a few more years and everything will fall into place.
I promise you this.



xoxo

362

I turned my light on.
I can actually see.
Everything is crystal clear.
I'm glad I flipped that switch.


xoxo

363

"Tonight won't make a difference."
Every night makes a difference.
Every day you acquire an ounce of new knowledge.
That new knowledge you acquire, keep it.
Keep it safe, store it, try and remember it for the next day.
And so on and so forth.
"I'm an addict for dramatics, I confuse the two for love."
I'm just writing things down that I'm listening to.
Taking Back Sunday is currently on my ipod.
I love them. I love my past memories.
"But would you do it again?"
Well as he says in the next line...
"We can't go back, can't go back, can't go back."
Three times, to make his point clear.
Three is the magic number, forever and always.
Concentrate.
I can't stop, it's hard.
I know this isn't real but when i feel alone
I begin to miss you.
"Drop everything, start it all over.
remember more than you'd like to forget."
Now is not the time for this.
I'm running on Empty.
I rejected the cure and now I'm stuck with this disease.
In a way, I'm content.
"The whole truth, is nothing but a good excuse."
Interruption: Great way to ruin my ruined day.



xoxo

364

UPFUCKINGDATE:
Funny things happened.
I'm lost inside myself and others.
I can't figure this out.
I need to lock myself in my head,
not this bottle.
until next time,
you're the only one that's here for me
when ever i need you.
i appreciate you for that.


xoxo

365

Keep rolling.
Don't stop.
This is what you've been waiting for.

you

you are no more.
you are finished.
this is it, this is the end.


xoxo

- 1

i will drain myself of this poison
cut it out.
cut it open.
until it dies.

rewrite

I hate myself.
I hate everything about myself.
I hate who i am.
All i think about is starting over.
Becoming someone else.
Living a new life.
I wish i could end this.
I don't care how you view me.
I don't care.
But i do.
You're not special.
I'm not special.
This is ever so sweet.

xoxo

M3 D3

The addiction to addiction.
I am addicted.
I can't give this up.
Help me remain constant with my speech.
Let my words run through you, soak them in.
You are so light, floating above the masses.
Being as porous as you are i'm surprised you haven't fallen.
Don't be afraid of the rain.
It cleans your wretched slate.
You can begin a new, isn't that what you want.
To begin a new, just me and you.
You and me rather.
I'll announce weather conditions for our days.
Today there's an overcast of annoyance,
And for tonight fog will set in blurring the end results.





xoxo

M2 D25

I just realized.
i love you.

M2 D5

I'm not used to august.
Ramble, ramble, ramble.
I'm shaking, i think that's what this feeling is.
Just my hand is shaking.
I felt the need to clarify that to you for some reason.
You're messing with my head, get out.
Head demons are infecting every crevice-
Of my cramped, dark, intellectual nest.
This may get ugly.
Please pause for a moment of saneness.
The light is playing tricks on me.
But it's off, so strange how it gleams in the darkness.
A little bit off i am.
I am tired of wording my sentences.
Make me do this, help me rather.
I never said it was easy, or did i?
Don't even think about shutting me down.
Where will the moths go?
Oh, it's late. Early, yes, it is early.
We all have to sleep sometime.
Goodnight night.











xoxo

day 26

His water bottle is empty.
Just like his food dish.
He is selfish and so am I.
He doesn't know any better, i do?
I guess that's the difference between him and i.
This may get some taking used to.








xoxo

night 23

When i say i can't see, i am blind.
I cannot hear, i am deaf now.
My emotions are running out of me,
Faster than the white rapids.
I need a lion tamer.
Help me. Help me please!
I can't do this alone.
If i listened to these voices-
I would be dead.












xoxo

night 21

hello, hello, hello.
Look up, yes you, look up!
Hi, hello there,
How are you?
Good, i'm glad.
I've missed you a lot.
When will you be coming back?
Oh, that's unfortunate.
I guess i will miss you.
Mhm, yeah, you're right.
Well goodbye.
If the breeze freezes this pond,
i know you are here.
But i'm leaving for a while.
It maybe forever.
Blow my way.
See you soon?













xoxo

picture book

xoxo

day 20

My new habit is not feeling.
I like being numb, more or less.
It's a non feeling type of feeling.
You are focused on feeling nothing.
It is like you are at ease with negative,
No, positive!
My thoughts haven't been so breezy.
They are flowing smoothly.
I feel as though i could float on.
My eyes haven't seen the real world in days.
In fantasy they stay, let go, its too late.
Being stuck here isn't too bad.
I get to float above everything, without sinking, my negative thoughts are gone.
Lets dance in the moonlight and throw away our cares.
It's okay breathe, i promise i won't let you go.
I'm in it for the long run.
<3












xoxo

night 19

Good to know, you weren't real.
The truth is easy.
Try it sometime.
Not that it is going to take you far.
If you weren't scum this would be easier.
You wouldn't be dripping down the drain.

xoxo

day 19

Fuck. Me.
My stomach is eating itself.
I guess it could be worse.
I could be an ethiopian child.
I bet you would like that, freak.
Who am i always talking to?
I start conversations with no one.
Do they ever get finished.
My head is never not filled.
Yes, i know, double fucking negative.
I'm tired of this already.
This song sucks. Ugh.











xoxo

day 10

Looking back, no, farther back.
Yes, that far.
I've realized i am constantly repeating myself.
Can i not make up my mind?
Do i want to make the same exact mistakes
Again, and again, and again.
It takes a few seconds to think before you act.
How many things have i ruined?
No need to count, it would be wasting your time and mine.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
Breathe. in : out. in : out.
And all i used to hear was your voice in the night.
Surprisingly enough it's gone.
I don't need you to fall asleep.
I don't need your witty banter.
You are nothing, not even a memory.
Absolute garbage.
My mind is racing at the speed of light!
Sleep is the only thing i'm thinking about.
Well other than, you know who.













xoxo

day 8

I wanted to say sorry.
Sorry that i haven't been here for you.
You know i'm a very busy person.
It's okay, smile.
Let me explain why this has happened.
July 4th, was missing something.
July 5th, i let my guard down.
July 6th, early confessions.
July 7th, Suga mama for the day.
July 8th, has just begun.

"Oh i just can't wait, to be King!"













xoxo

day 3

Let me recap day 2.
Started bad.
Ended with you.
Moving on.
I like being with you.
Is that bad?
I want to spend every second i can with you.
I don't think you feel the same way.
I'm scared.
Why does this always happen?
I don't even know what i'm saying.
Maybe i shouldn't be thinking like this until i know.
Please don't do this.
I feel useless.
One word from you and i'll melt.
All i hear are love songs.
Why don't you sing along.













xoxo

day 1

I am akward, timid, and nervous.
My palms have never been this clammy.
You're making me sweat.
I can't speak, i can only stare.
You are your own person.
I'm not used to this, it's perfect.
Well almost.
I just want you to be mine,
Without me scaring you away.
Don't let me mess this up.
You keep me safe at night.
My toes are never cold<3
You like when i bite you.
You spice things up.
You're not wasting away.
I need to stop thinking of you.
I won't be able to sleep.
You cute little thing you.














xoxo
ps: wish you were here<3

confession

You're the cutest thing.
I want you to be mine.











xoxo

sough

Focus, focus, come on Focus.
Now.
Everything is shifting.
Okay, steady, walk towards me.
Now.
It's okay, i don't bite.
Come. on. i need you.
Now.
Show me you care.
This is something i want.
Now.
Don't lead me down this path,
And leave me lost.
Now.
You are someone i want.
Someone i can see myself with.
Now.













xoxo

keep it wild

From here on out, i'm done.
With all of the bullshit.
I'm going to be carefree.
I don't care, i just do not care.
If you showed one ounce of emotion:
Then maybe i'd change my mind.
But you are incapable of that, so who am i kidding.
It's not like you're that important.
Oh thank lucifer for replaceable people.












xoxo

recollection

My name is Jasmine Marie Thompson.
I don't know myself very well.
That bothers me so much.
Is it that i'm afraid to find out what i've become?
Or that i feel as though i'm not good enough.
Who am i trying to please?
My name is Jasmine Marie Thompson.
I find happiness in...
What do i enjoy?
Have i enjoyed anything i have done?
Am i thinking about this at all.
No, no i am not.
My name is Jasmine Marie Thompson.
As of recently i threw my old self away.
I just found out what i want in life.
What i want to be and who i want to become.
I am myself, with myself, happy alone.
No, i do not mean a l o n e.
What i mean is without someone holding my hand,
helping me across this street.
I can walk by myself, company would be nice.
But i will not go out of my way to find it.
My name is Jasmine Marie Thompson.
And i couldn't be happier with my life.











xoxo

memory loss

Walking down memory lane.
I am walking right now.
This bag is quite heavy.
I think i'll sit down on this bench.
The lake is gleaming in the moonlight.
This night breeze is causing a chill to climb my spine.
I think i'll start a fire.
Maybe i could use some of these old memories.
I don't need them, right?
Right.
Toss them, burn them, forget them.
But don't fully forget them. No, forget them.
Have any good come of these memories?
I can't remember.
Or maybe i do, i hate to admit, that's right.
I'm tired of wiping the dust off this.
This is tiring, i am tired of being tired of this.
Let it go.
The fire feels so good.
Look up at the sky.
We are floating away.










xoxo

pond scum

I am turning my head in rotations.
Hopefully it doesn't twist off.
Actually, i take that back.
Maybe it will.
My eyes are throwing up.
This is what i see.
Nothing is clear, n o t h i n g is clear.
I wish i could stop the boat.
I hate being.
That's so vague, you've realized this already.
Maybe i should stop wasting time.
Those actions you acted out were incorrect.
I am not wasting my time. you are.
Once again, my face is melting.
I can never get these words out of my head.
With every shake i get nothing.
Have you ever wanted to grab a knife,
And cut the words out?
I have never thought of that, Creep.











xoxo

i lied.

i have no feelings.
Are you happy now.
Show some emotion.
I just want you to know.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
I hate unfinished business.







xoxo

come back

Looking in your eyes
Praising every moment because you're my only light
Reading the stares at your passion that bears me now
Shedding no little tears
The silence scares us more than leaving could

Come back
Please don't leave me now
I'll be all that you need in life
Because I can't live without you and
I know all that you need
I can give you everything
When you're so far you'll forget about me

Waiting by your side
Knowing every moment is closer to your flight
Upset with the past, but it's all that holds us now
Believing no lies, telling each other we'll be fine forever

Come back
Please don't leave me now
I'll be all that you need in life
Because I can't live without you and
I know all that you need
I can give you everything
When you're so far you'll forget about me

But I'll wait
I could never leave those beautiful eyes
I know you're sorry
I know what you must be going through
And I feel sorry for you

But please don't leave me now
But please don't leave me now
But please don't leave me now











please?

silent films

for you

i listen to your voice.
i know i blame things on you.
it's easier that way.
my face is glistening in the rain.

+ sidenote

I'm above half of you.
Watching you die.
Why would i help you out, would you do the same.
No, you wouldn't.
Cause you're scum like the rest of us.
This view is breath taking.
I could sit on this cloud for days.
Alone, all alone.
Maybe with some friends that fit in my hand.
I would breathe them in, and in, and in.
We could devour the world.
All of us in one.
Let me draw you a picture.









xoxo

+10

I taste sulfate.
This is making me sick.
Hold on, let me stick my fingers down my throat.

Now back to business.
I am empty.
I can't think.
I may have just thrown my life away.
Doubtful, its not that easy.
Or is it.
If i could think i would.
If i wasn't surrounded by negative.
If i could start over.
If only.
I wish.
Maybe maybe maybe.
Get over it.
I'm tired of the past, stop following me.
I need to stop dropping these bread crumbs.
But it's so easy, it's comforting.
Stop taking from me, please.
You have everything.
Stop being greedy, move on.
I'm already sprawled across the floor.
I've lost too much blood to move.
How much more, tell me.
What else do you want from me.








xoxo

-11

I fucking hate this town.
I fell asleep for to long and now im lost.
Help me, why don't you help me.
Come pick me up and keep me warm.
Stop hiding from me.
I can't do this without you.
You know this, you do.
That's why you watch me from a far.
You want me to suffer.
Maybe you are helping me.
No, no, no. you're not.
Why do i even bother









xoxo

-10

I'm better than this.
I'm better than that.
I need to believe that.
I need to believe this.
I haven't closed my eyes in days.
I haven't let my mind rest.
All I want is sleep.
That's all.
Take me there.
I want to go there.








xoxo

+9

I wish you knew how much i needed you.
I wish i knew you.
These colors lay vibrant on my skin,
Next to the old worn out colors laying beside them.
I want to be vibrant.
I'm done being the same as everyone else.
I think i'm switching sides.
I haven't really put much thought into this.
I woke up sweating, itching, and i was blinded.
I feel like the life i am living is blinding me.
It's making me sick and tired of everyone that cares.
I don't like that feeling.
And yet i continue it.
If you just came to me and helped me
Maybe everything would be better.
I wish i knew you.
I wish you knew me.








xoxo

sidenote

I have the worst memory ever.
This week i was stupid.
I was very stupid.
I admit that right now and while i was being stupid.
I wake up with bruises on me.
I wake up with a throbbing headache.
I wake up wanting to leave everything behind.
I wake up regretting my actions.
And yet i repeat them throughout my life.
I say i will learn but i never do.
Writing this isn't going to help me fix my mistakes.
But it's showing that i realize i have made them.
And i'm going to think about things more and more and more.
Hopefully.
I want to be me with a little help of you.
Because i know you are my better side.
And i truly think i can't live without you.
Come into my life soon, please...









xox0

+8

I apologize for what I'm about to do.
This is the worst feeling you will ever feel.
I feeeeeeeeeeeeeel it, you will too.
At least i'm taking responsibility.
I'm leading a double life.
I'm headed in the right and wrong direction.
Nothing is wrong, nothing is right.
I'm doing what I need to do to grow.
I am watching you from a distance.
I don't want to lose you.
But i don't want you to know i'm watching out for you.
I am the moon, I will never be here for you.
I'm going to let go of everything.
If i let my body rest, if i set my mind at ease
Then maybe i could listen to the birds,
Without shooting at them.








xoxo

-9

I can't stay here forever.
I can't hide in this cave for long.
I'm all alone when i'm here.
Being surrounded by my surroundings is scaring me.
I want this stage to fall apart.
I let you down, and there's no fixing this.
That's a lie.
We all make mistakes, no ones is greater than the others.
To each there own.
I think that's wrong as well.
I'm not in my house for once.
I don't want to live there, i want to rebel.
I just want to be cut some slack!
I need to be pushed off the edge of a cliff.
I need to be pushed around to get things done.
I gave up many things for nothing.
Is is worth it, no, no, no, it's not.
I'm going to dipset.








xoxo

-8

I pressed delete.
There is no going back.
I need to get up.
I have been laying in bed for years.
I'm watching myself shrivel up.
I'm letting myself go.
I hate this place.
I think i'm going to leave.
I'm done with community college.
I don't want to hurt my mom.
But staying here is hurting me.
I know you can't run from your problems.
I know new problems arise where ever you are.
I know this. I really do.
But sometimes i just put that thought in the back of my head.
I just don't think about thinking.
I hate feeling like im in 10th grade again.
I hate looking at myself.
I hate feeling this way.
This is why i need to run.
I can't handle this.
I need one person to talk to.
i miss you.
I always run back to you.
You are my scapegoat, I've said this before.
I'm going to say it again and again.
I will never stop loving you.
Chew me up and spit me out.
again and again and again.
I want you to use and abuse me.
I need you close to me.
I just want your touch.
I don't care how i get that i want it, i need it.
I am lying.
This is all a lie.
I'm going to take this now.
I'll wake up in the night and fly to the moon.







xoxo

+7

Giving up this addiction.
Give it up, it gave up me.
You are my sunshine.
I smile when i see you.
I hate those marks on your body.
Stop hurting yourself.
I love the feeling of you.
You are the best feeling i have felt.
I don't need this.
If you want this drop your weapon.


My current battle is not one that involves you.
I am actually ashamed to talk to you.
I feel dirty, not worthy of your time.
I am turning this around.
I have already begun to clean up my room.
I threw away my dirty things.
The next step is to pick up and get up.
I ruined things with you and i'm deeply sorry.
I am not going to linger on these old feeling.
I will be gone in one year.
I will mend old wounds when it is time.
My clock was stopped and i was unaware of the world.
Time didn't matter, neither did I.
I am going to focus on my well being.
I never really cared if i got hurt.
Its happened before its going to happen again.
I am in an all white room that I'm going to paint.
It's going to be a self portrait.

Starting today i will not substitute drugs for happiness.
I am going to walk away from those people.
I need to.
I can't let him go just yet.
I want to help him.
I just need more time to help him realize he is amazing.
He can do anything, he needs to wake up.
I just want to wake him up.
I never think this through.






xoxo

+6

I just need one positive.
I just need one thing that makes me smile.
I wish i could change you.
I wish i could change the way you think and feel.
You don't need this or that.
I won't leave, i haven't yet.
I might have to go soon.
I don't know if i can handle this.

-7

I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
Why can't you disappear.
Just blow away you idiot.
You are nothing.
No one likes you.
Please tighten the noose.
I hate you.

-6

I have no money in my pocket.
And i'm starting on this trail.
I'm going to take this path,
But not for long, its a short lived path.
I will then turn around and not look back.
I just need to take a walk the opposite way first.
I swear i'll see you soon.





xoxo

(+) (-) (5)

The age old question.
Is this real.
I can't think.
I'm jumbled.
I don't want to rush this.
I don't want to speak to soon.
I think it's safer if i bite my lip.
Until it bleeds.





xoxo

+4

I'm a little light headed.
My outer body is watching me now.
I'm am looking downward upon myself.
I am rethinking what i just did.
How can i make this better before leaving.
I guess i can't because I'm not ready to apologize.
Eating would ground me.
I don't want to float away, but i guess it happens.
I'm only human.
Which means, I'm only a mound of walking shit.
Sorry, that's how i see you and me.
Earthquake alert, this ones an eight.







xoxo

-5

I can't decide if breaking down is a good thing.
I don't know if my body crashing is bad.
I can't tell if i am happy or pretending.
I should have never drove in the rain for you.
I'm home now, if you care.
I made it safely back home.
After i snuck out of your house in the pouring rain.
I am home. I am safe.
I won't see you again for the rest of my life.
My eyes are closed now.
Listening is making me nervous.
So i don't know how long this will last.
I just can't figure out why i want something i don't want.
And when i get that something, i throw it away.
As quickly as i can, mind you.
- Are you happy?
- Is this what you wanted?
Words are just words.
They express you and me.
But not us, never us.
I hold the worst grudges.
I hate you.
Maybe not, I want one thought.
Just one, I can't do this.
I'm drowning in my own head.







xoxo

-4

i wanted to leap over the puddle.
instead i fell into the puddle.
and now i am soaking wet.
but i don't mind it.
i'm glad i got to explore the murky, dingy water.
i got to see how shallow and grimy the puddle still was.
puddles are all the same, well that's not true.
i have found some pretty decent puddles.
they were small, deep, and crystal blue.
i miss those puddles.
last night opened my eyes.
i don't think i will ever go back.
tonight i'm going puddle hoping again.
maybe this time i won't fall into that same puddle.






xoxo

+3

I'm taking a break from it all.
i am going to focus on my top priorities.
which do not include you.
i guess i have to learn to let go.
it's hard to forget those close to me.
but i need to get rid of any negative influences.
there are other means of fun besides,
well the obvious.
i am growing weary of this town.
and having to deal with the same thing each day.
i know change comes from within.
and i am going to gradually change me.
for once im going to let you do what you want.
i will not try and change you.
i will let you sink or swim.
i hope everything works out, i only want the best for you.
but it's time to cut the strings.
they have been tangled and strangling me.
i need out of this web of depression.
and in time i will be out.
<3






xoxo

+2

My name is change.
I happen now.




xoxo

-3

and all i can think about.
is how i fucked everything up.
i ruined everything, i always do.
i'm giving myself time to heal.
i'm giving myself a break from caring.
the past few days, i haven't felt like myself.
i just want everything back.
give me my life back.
i would do anything to forget.
i will do anything to forget.
i hope my body is ready for this.
this is not a suicide note.
this is me falling to pieces.




xoxo

this ones off the record.

i love you.
i love you with all my heart.
i love you with all my mind body and soul.
i love you with every ounce of energy in my body.
i love you.
i'm sorry i love you.
i'm sorry i can't let this go.
i'm sorry i'm so pathetic.
i'm sorry.

+1

when am i going to help myself.
when will i put myself first.
life isn't a competition on who suffered more.
everyone has a different pain.
a different burden they are dealing with.
sometimes i think it would be easier if i wasn't here.
but then i think about the lives i could change.
the lives i want to change.
that's what really keeps me going.
i cant help but breakdown when i think of my past.
i don't want my past pain to be forgotten though.
i want it to help someone else.
i want it to encourage someone to change for the better.
i honestly can't see myself in 10years.
what i know i want to do is to change lives.
and while i am here on this earth i will make sure that happens.
i hope that i have already impacted a few people.
if not, maybe i should pick a new career.




xoxo

-2

i am completely insane.
i need my mind to melt into mush.
puddles of nothingness.
i am the creator of this nightmare.
i mold everything into nothing.
i ruin and create, i create and ruin.
i just want you to break so i can fix you.
i like the feeling of destruction.
it's easier, you know it is.
i just wish i could vanish into these dreams.
i mean nightmares, dreams aren't real.
maybe i can create one of these now.
and maybe you can help?





xoxo

-1.

Black and bruised.
i feel unwanted.
and i am sick of it.
i will wipe away the residue.
i will start over.
''change is hard I should know.''
it kind-of sucks that i'm done with all of you.
but it really doesn't.
it's not like you are going to notice.
but i am.
i threw you out and up.
down and out.
i hope you choke.
i hope all of you choke.
im bitter. its wet outside.
i am cold.
inside and out.
pray you never feel this way.





- jmt

104.

Have you ever thought about your actions.
Everyday you walk, one foot after the other.
Everyday you breathe, one breath in one out.
It starts the same everyday.
You open your eyes.
It never goes as followed.
You are always sick.
You blame others and yourself.
You think you're so self righteous.
Throw up, you are now sick.
See your day has changed.
Your week is starting to end.
Lay in your bed and try not to breathe.
Hopefully you can get out.
Before you realize what you did.
I won't forgive you.
I won't allow myself to.
Maybe when your head is in the toilet, you'll drown.
You can finally see what your life is.
Starved is a feeling i won't rid myself of.
You are just starved for attention.
Lets play sick, everyone will care.
I just threw up my lunch.
Look our paths have crossed.
We are now both throwing up.
We are now both drowning.
We are now stuck with this sickness.
But you are ruined.
The damages have been done.
You are my collateral.




xxx

103.

i hate that i can never fill up.
i want to refuel. i want to burn up.
i'll never know why but the answer is gone.
so i just want to say;
''i can't sleep while you breathe.
i can't think while i breathe.''
i guess the color blue is a good fit for you.

melt in my hands but don't drag me in this.
you're on your own.

I scratched through my skin.
I don't know what this red liquid stuff is.
I guess this sort of thing happens.
Maybe tomorrow it will stop.
I can't go around dripping this strange liquid.
People may follow me around.
They may try to steal it.
Who knows...





late night stories.

101.

I am starved, I am starving. I starve you.
Words aren't real but you are.
Maybe it's the other way around.
Either Or, Either Or, Either Or.
I will make this trip downstairs.
I will make this trip upstairs.
I will lay in bed and starve.
I won't be starved, you will be starving.
You are starved, you are starving.
Food is on your mind, get some.
I'm all about memory loss.
Lets lose it together.
I can't spell you so how can you exist.
Think about it another night.
You're wasting my time.



goodnight

100.

Hello my name is jasmine.
I want to show you something.
To bad you can't see it.
I wish i could help you understand.
I wish i could help you see me.
I have to go, maybe another time?



goodbye moon.

303.

I figured it out it was a dream in my head.
I thought you should know because your back was so good to it.
So when I say 'when' cut the strings.
I'm not giving up, I'm just losing this.

125.5

i'm not happy, are you?
is anyone truly happy?
fuck everyone.
i don't care about them, them, or them.
i'm you, you're me, they're us, we're them.
i'm not moving, push me.
get me up, knock me down.
i see the top, im at the bottom.
i'll do it. i won't. i want to.
my body won't let me.
my mind wants me to.
am i wrong, are you right?
no you're wrong.
cut me open; put me out of misery.
remember, i'm you, you're me.





xxx

416.

it's 6:09pm and i am in the dark.
my head is throbbing.
what do i want.
not you, especially not you, and not this.
I need a change, change.
don't; help; stop.
i can't do this right now.






to be continued...

417.

Why is everything about me.
Can i make this better.
This is the hardest thing i have done.
I can't stop pretending everything's okay.
Maybe we can go back.
If i fix this it may work.
Just figure it out already, i miss it.






you

418.

I want you to know that i think of you.
whenever i can, i do.
but its not about you.
in a sick, twisted, dry eye way, its about me.
i ponder on whether i have done something right.
whether i made the right choices.
i use you as my scapegoat, you are my jew.
i dictate what, when, where, and how you do what you don't do.
i twist your body, i mold your mind.
i just want to make me happy.
i can make someone happy, can you.
i guess you have proven your worth.
maybe i just don't want anyone else to know your value.
unless they know you have no value.
i've exploited you to my fullest extent.
look how happy i've made myself.
are you lying, am i faking.
why can't i read my mind, why can't you?





666

419.

i just threw up, throw up.
my body is sick of everything.
my mind is sick of every thought i think.
i can't stop thinking, i can't stop thinking.
i am vomit, i have to vomit.
my foot is burning, it's burnt, it's not there.
i've lost my mind.





666

42 + 0

i want to make this happen.
i want to make this happen.
can i make this happen.
can you make this happen.
help me make this happen.
you are making this not happen.
just get over it, make it happen.
why isn't this happening.
did i tell someone i didn't want it to happen.
did you tell someone i didn't want this to happen.
did i tell someone you happened to make it happen.
then why hasn't it happened.
am i dreaming or awake.
is this what i want, is this what i need.
is this what happened or is this happening.
tell me what is happening.




666

61.

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?
i look at you and smile.
i knew the day would come.
i knew i would see you fall and not get up.
you're so pathetic its amusing.
please stay depressed.
stay that way for three years, feel what i felt.
i hope you fall harder each day.
until your bones are broken and your insides are on the floor.
and your begging for it to be over.
ill watch you from over here.
listening to the early november, you would.





fuck you;
666

62.

i like shane stefan cross.

63.

i'll burn this house down.
dare me to, do it.
if you were here you would do it to.




fuck

nintendo 64.

rip me open, rip me open.
cut out my insides, you need them more than me.
spin, spin, spin, spin, spin.
close the door, open it, close it.
stop moving, don't leave.
i can be nice when you want me to.
no free will, i gave that up.
you needed it more.
im satisfied, you satisfy me.
change of mood, topic, sentence structure.
spell check my life, correct my past.
blow, blow, blow; breathe, breathe, breathe.
turn of the chit chat, its been on to long.
close the front door, sneak out the side.
jump out my bathroom, splatter.
late, late, late.





jmt

65.

my lips busted.
feed me cold.
you know everything i like.
you are everything i want.
need, feel, know, care.
i forgot about the world.
it spins while im frozen with you.
this is my present state.
the warmest i have ever been.
until my mind starts to wonder.
then i melt, melt, melt, melt.
liquid cold, nitrogen, hydrogen, oxidation.
don't ever, you wouldn't.
my hair is falling out, pull harder.
slap me around, show me you care.
be my self control.
know my limits, break them.
break everything, that too, not that.
out of control.




late
666

66 + 6

going back, taking it back.
my mind is mush.
light me on fire, i quit.
i hate this place so much.
i hate me and you. not you and i.
ME AND YOU.
i hate you the most.
you introduced me to this pain.
take it away, go away. fucking die.
if you just disappeared i could breathe.
i want to make you bleed, i want to watch you die.
i want to make you suffer.
you pathetic piece of shit.
I'm lying, and you can tell.
you don't care, you stopped caring.
1.23...who cares
your voice is gone, i can't hear it.
you were the right, now everything's wrong.
just let me talk to you one last time.
im going away for a little bit.
i can't take this, i can't take this.
i can't take this, i can't take this.
i can't take this, i can not take this.
i can't take this, i can't take this.
i can't take this, i can't take this.
i can't take this, i can not take this.
i can't take this, i can't take this.
i can't take this, i can't take this.
i guess this is growing up.



jmt

67.

numb, i am numb.
i want to feel your heartbeat.
i like having you around, surprised?
finally i have realized that you are right.
you are something i want in my life.
i'm the opposite of perfect.
maybe one day we can get past those days.
not you, but you.
yes, yes, yes. care.
i should probably forget about you like you have me.
i will someday, till then you are invisible.
i made you hate me, believe it.
i want to fall asleep with you, no different you now.
i can't sleep. help me.
pathetic, useless, me, me, me.
i don't want to tell you how much i like you.
what if you don't like me as much.
what if you rip out my heart and run away.
i can't handle going through that again.
i can't handle reality.




crash & burn
666

68.

i don't know if i have what i want.
or if i want to have it.
im playing tricks on you, do you know that.
just breathe, smile, and fall backwards.
lets see if i win, shall we start.
i guess im bored now. you're not playing anymore.
it was a game, right?
you were missing a piece from the start.
you can't play without a heart.
well maybe you can, you don't care.
i don't care about anything you care about.
i win, you win, then i must have lost.
this isn't as fun as i intended it to be.
i fell for another, you did the same.
busted heads on concrete, looks good from below.
i would love to see you splattered in the street.
maybe not, i care too much. you care too much, oops.
when i leave this place i'll find you.
do you promise to let me find you, i hope so.
you're my problem i can't solve, im your answer.



wishful thinking.
666

69.

my feet are cold and brittle, like my hands.
i never leave.
i am always gone.
i guess this is the end of the old.
i started over, i reset myself.
i deleted. i lost. you died.
we will never complete that puzzle, we don't want to.
what is fun, is fun, isn't fun.
i'll never forget, you'll never remember.
i guess you forgot. we are different.
one two three five.
i skipped you. never not you.
i am happy to be sad, but happier than sad.
fade. doorbell. you won't.
fill my stomach with uselessness.
make it up, throw it down.
laugh on fire, sparks fly.
i am you. understand now?
i want one day to see the true colors.
of you, or me, maybe them, and us.
if i could make you i would destroy everyone.
i hate smiling faces without mine smiling.
i love. i have loved. i don't have a love.
keep your guard up, don't fall.
never lose, always win. freeze to death.



cuddle buddy
666