416.

it's 6:09pm and i am in the dark.
my head is throbbing.
what do i want.
not you, especially not you, and not this.
I need a change, change.
don't; help; stop.
i can't do this right now.






to be continued...

417.

Why is everything about me.
Can i make this better.
This is the hardest thing i have done.
I can't stop pretending everything's okay.
Maybe we can go back.
If i fix this it may work.
Just figure it out already, i miss it.






you

418.

I want you to know that i think of you.
whenever i can, i do.
but its not about you.
in a sick, twisted, dry eye way, its about me.
i ponder on whether i have done something right.
whether i made the right choices.
i use you as my scapegoat, you are my jew.
i dictate what, when, where, and how you do what you don't do.
i twist your body, i mold your mind.
i just want to make me happy.
i can make someone happy, can you.
i guess you have proven your worth.
maybe i just don't want anyone else to know your value.
unless they know you have no value.
i've exploited you to my fullest extent.
look how happy i've made myself.
are you lying, am i faking.
why can't i read my mind, why can't you?





666

419.

i just threw up, throw up.
my body is sick of everything.
my mind is sick of every thought i think.
i can't stop thinking, i can't stop thinking.
i am vomit, i have to vomit.
my foot is burning, it's burnt, it's not there.
i've lost my mind.





666

42 + 0

i want to make this happen.
i want to make this happen.
can i make this happen.
can you make this happen.
help me make this happen.
you are making this not happen.
just get over it, make it happen.
why isn't this happening.
did i tell someone i didn't want it to happen.
did you tell someone i didn't want this to happen.
did i tell someone you happened to make it happen.
then why hasn't it happened.
am i dreaming or awake.
is this what i want, is this what i need.
is this what happened or is this happening.
tell me what is happening.




666

61.

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?
i look at you and smile.
i knew the day would come.
i knew i would see you fall and not get up.
you're so pathetic its amusing.
please stay depressed.
stay that way for three years, feel what i felt.
i hope you fall harder each day.
until your bones are broken and your insides are on the floor.
and your begging for it to be over.
ill watch you from over here.
listening to the early november, you would.





fuck you;
666

62.

i like shane stefan cross.

63.

i'll burn this house down.
dare me to, do it.
if you were here you would do it to.




fuck

nintendo 64.

rip me open, rip me open.
cut out my insides, you need them more than me.
spin, spin, spin, spin, spin.
close the door, open it, close it.
stop moving, don't leave.
i can be nice when you want me to.
no free will, i gave that up.
you needed it more.
im satisfied, you satisfy me.
change of mood, topic, sentence structure.
spell check my life, correct my past.
blow, blow, blow; breathe, breathe, breathe.
turn of the chit chat, its been on to long.
close the front door, sneak out the side.
jump out my bathroom, splatter.
late, late, late.





jmt

65.

my lips busted.
feed me cold.
you know everything i like.
you are everything i want.
need, feel, know, care.
i forgot about the world.
it spins while im frozen with you.
this is my present state.
the warmest i have ever been.
until my mind starts to wonder.
then i melt, melt, melt, melt.
liquid cold, nitrogen, hydrogen, oxidation.
don't ever, you wouldn't.
my hair is falling out, pull harder.
slap me around, show me you care.
be my self control.
know my limits, break them.
break everything, that too, not that.
out of control.




late
666

66 + 6

going back, taking it back.
my mind is mush.
light me on fire, i quit.
i hate this place so much.
i hate me and you. not you and i.
ME AND YOU.
i hate you the most.
you introduced me to this pain.
take it away, go away. fucking die.
if you just disappeared i could breathe.
i want to make you bleed, i want to watch you die.
i want to make you suffer.
you pathetic piece of shit.
I'm lying, and you can tell.
you don't care, you stopped caring.
1.23...who cares
your voice is gone, i can't hear it.
you were the right, now everything's wrong.
just let me talk to you one last time.
im going away for a little bit.
i can't take this, i can't take this.
i can't take this, i can't take this.
i can't take this, i can not take this.
i can't take this, i can't take this.
i can't take this, i can't take this.
i can't take this, i can not take this.
i can't take this, i can't take this.
i can't take this, i can't take this.
i guess this is growing up.



jmt

67.

numb, i am numb.
i want to feel your heartbeat.
i like having you around, surprised?
finally i have realized that you are right.
you are something i want in my life.
i'm the opposite of perfect.
maybe one day we can get past those days.
not you, but you.
yes, yes, yes. care.
i should probably forget about you like you have me.
i will someday, till then you are invisible.
i made you hate me, believe it.
i want to fall asleep with you, no different you now.
i can't sleep. help me.
pathetic, useless, me, me, me.
i don't want to tell you how much i like you.
what if you don't like me as much.
what if you rip out my heart and run away.
i can't handle going through that again.
i can't handle reality.




crash & burn
666

68.

i don't know if i have what i want.
or if i want to have it.
im playing tricks on you, do you know that.
just breathe, smile, and fall backwards.
lets see if i win, shall we start.
i guess im bored now. you're not playing anymore.
it was a game, right?
you were missing a piece from the start.
you can't play without a heart.
well maybe you can, you don't care.
i don't care about anything you care about.
i win, you win, then i must have lost.
this isn't as fun as i intended it to be.
i fell for another, you did the same.
busted heads on concrete, looks good from below.
i would love to see you splattered in the street.
maybe not, i care too much. you care too much, oops.
when i leave this place i'll find you.
do you promise to let me find you, i hope so.
you're my problem i can't solve, im your answer.



wishful thinking.
666

69.

my feet are cold and brittle, like my hands.
i never leave.
i am always gone.
i guess this is the end of the old.
i started over, i reset myself.
i deleted. i lost. you died.
we will never complete that puzzle, we don't want to.
what is fun, is fun, isn't fun.
i'll never forget, you'll never remember.
i guess you forgot. we are different.
one two three five.
i skipped you. never not you.
i am happy to be sad, but happier than sad.
fade. doorbell. you won't.
fill my stomach with uselessness.
make it up, throw it down.
laugh on fire, sparks fly.
i am you. understand now?
i want one day to see the true colors.
of you, or me, maybe them, and us.
if i could make you i would destroy everyone.
i hate smiling faces without mine smiling.
i love. i have loved. i don't have a love.
keep your guard up, don't fall.
never lose, always win. freeze to death.



cuddle buddy
666